Dear Journal,

We came across each other last night. I flashed an awkward smile when he said "hi" and my mind went blank with the strange feeling. I was out of my rational self. The next thing I know I was across the table with him and having dinner. He asked me how have I been for the past weeks and i answered short "ok's" and could not even look at him straight in the eye. Despite the apparent  inattention I've tried to portray he persistently talked about what was going on with him.

I still love him, I wanted to say that but I know he won't love me the same way and he would always look far beyond me, as if I no longer his focal point.

Although, unplanned we made love for what I believe could be the last time I'll ever see him.

Out of the longing and love I have for him I've uttered "I missed you"...

But an expected response did not came close.. not even a whisper...

We woke up and I was hugging him from behind. I've felt the coldness of what was once his tender and warm embraces...

At that point I've realized the reality of it all...

He no longer loves me, that's certain..

and that may be the pain I have to endure for a long time

Dear Journal,

I admit that I miss having sex.

It's been more than a month since the last time I had any intimate body contact with anybody. I'm having erotic dreams the past few nights which I believe indicates how much my body searches for that activity.

More than the sex though, I miss having to sleep at night, cuddling and kissing someone I care for.

-Cai

My Great Love…

Wish I could carry this note and hand it over to you on what may probably be my last chance to see you. I’ve been reflecting about everything that happened to us the past days. How, I wish this was similar to those petty fights we’ve had before. How I’ve consoled myself into thinking that in the end, you’d forgive me and we’d be alright again. But, I figured this was something different. I felt that this is maybe the end of our relationship. I can honestly tell you that the whole situation has not fully synced in to me. Yet the magnitude of the sadness has been this difficult to bear. Wish I could have just cry it all out in one sitting and numb myself of everything but my psyche and physiological make-up won’t allow me to. I’d have to go through the process of grief. I can’t imagine what it’ll be like, once this gets in my head.

I do not want to say sorry anymore for it’ll be like saying sorry to the way I have loved you.

I don’t want to be a hypocrite into saying that I am at peace with all of this.

The pain I feel is a manifestation of the magnitude of the love I feel for you that you left hanging.

I just think this is funny and cute...


HAPPY NEW YEAR EVERYONE!