You will probably read this in time. 

I never romanticize what we have because I find everything perfect. The way we embrace on the loneliest of nights and hold hands on the happiest of days, the silly talks, the quiet moments inside coffee shops: they seem to be too raw and heartfelt and honest to be put into words. The way you look at me, as if I am the only person who exists in this world, makes me quiver with ecstasy and affection. I love you, and there will always be a part of me that will be scared of losing you.

Sometimes, I wake up at the wee hours of the morning and look at you and listen to your breathing. It gives me a feeling that all is well and all will be fine. I always want to capture the moment, so even when I am old and grey and when everything seems forgotten, I will always have those moments tucked in my memory.

I can't describe how happiness embraces me when I am with you. You have always been a breath of fresh air--the way you smile and laugh, the way you move your eyes and lips when you think, and the small details that make you special. I guess I will only falter if I try to describe them, because I may be at loss with words.

I will always find you in my heart, as I hope I will always have a place in yours. 

Now until forever.

With love, 

M.

I rarely connect with people.

My naivety or maybe the insistence on the belief that there is always something good about a person makes me susceptible to trust and be fooled.

I have many friends but somehow even to them I remain a mystery.There are times I seek the comfort of a safe ground to talk aloud my feelings and circumstances especially after the time when I've acknowledged my sexual preference after graduating from College and had my first serious relationship and eventual serious heartbreak.

The feeling of not being able to share to straight friends what I am going through with my relationships and masking things in the context of hypothetical questions.It's a plight common for people like us I guess.

It was only when Richard came that somehow I felt some clarity and relief. He became my only confidant when it came to the matters of the heart and relationships.

I met Richard in a competition back in College. We were roommates and I honestly had an inkling that he was like me.He was smart and awkwardly endearing.

He came out to me on one night of vulnerability when Jhie his long time boyfriend, broke up with him for the first time. I felt he was devastated and I provided comfort to him. We became unlikely best-friends.

People always thought that he was the strong one which was exactly the opposite in reality. He was very much vulnerable, insecure, sad and lonely. He was also suicidal at some point. There were nights when he would call me and say how much he can't bear the pain. I would keep the line and talk him out of it until I was sure he was fast asleep. That went on for weeks and sometimes I go to work without any sleep. There were also nights when he would inform me that he would go to a bar and get drunk. He was leading a path to self destruction and as his friend I shared with his misery.

I would like to believe that I did my best to be a good friend. Honestly, I don't have a lot of friends but the ones I keep get to have the meager love and attention I am capable of giving.

I didn't know what I did but Richard fell in love with me. Maybe he was sad and the attention I gave him was misconstrued into something else. When I was unable to reciprocate his feelings he decided to cut all lines of communication. He deleted my number, blocked me on Facebook and never attended events he knew I would be present.

That went on for a year and honestly I felt sad with the way things were going between us.

A reunification happened when he went back with Jhie but it was not like before. He only remembered me when they had fights or he was drunk.

They eventually broke up again and Richard went to the US without informing me. It came to my knowledge eventually that I was the only one not informed of his departure. I was angry at him and messaged him in Facebook saying how could he have gone without saying goodbye. This time I was the one cutting the ties between us.

He stayed in the US for about a year and when he came back he became active with our organization. He tried to reconnect but I ignored him for a few months until I realized my anger with what he did eventually faded away. I really can't keep grudges.

In the past months of 2014, we started exchanging messages. He kept saying how much he miss me in what we called the "dark ages" of our friendship. Honestly, I miss him too 'cause he was my best friend after all.

He invited me to re-activate my membership to our organization after years of inactivity because I went back to school.