Archive for 2012

Home Archive for 2012

There were nights that were unbearable

Thoughts were often melancholic

I find it hard to go through the day

Often tears end my day

I was a bitter child bruised and wounded

Because promises of forever

Were wasted and put in vain

I often found myself that true love was never meant for me

But somehow love found me

And that love came from you, my love

You are my salvation from Limbo
The life I thought would forever enthrall me with elusiveness

This world can sometimes be the saddest and loneliest place
But with you around
With you loving and caring for me
This world has become my paradise

If I could wrap you in my embrace forever
I will...
If I could love you in many lifetimes.
I will...
If I could dictate who my soulmate will be...
I will choose you..

You alone..
You forever...
You my love...

11072012 <2141>

As I lay to sleep
I carry with me thoughts of you
That even in my slumber
I am still with you

Sleep my angel
For I am your favorite star
Though I may be far
I hope my love and warmth reaches you
I will radiate
For I know someone so special like you
Appreciates the seemingly faintness in me.

Sleep well my angel
For I am always with you

-11082012 <2319>

Thank you for coming into my life

Life has never been this sweet an happy for me

You gave me so much compassion, understanding, love and so much more that I never thought i would be fortunate enough to feel in my lifetime

You are love....

You are life...

11062012 <1904>

"Anybody should be fine if it was just to ease loneliness
Because the stars in the night sky seems like falling, I cant lie to myself"

-One More Time, One More Chance (5 Centimeters Per Second)

Monday

It has been a few days after our break-up. Admittedly, I am still in a state of disorientation. I kept distracting myself by doing a lot of things during the day to exhaust myself and get some decent sleep.

I never imagined that it would feel this way. How painful the feeling would be. Thinking about you, draws me into tears.

I find it hard to hide the signs of sleepless nights of endless crying with people around me. I had to think of alibis.

Others might say, "why not just forget about it and stop the damn crying and move on?" But for me I find it much easier to cry than suppressing to myself the pain I feel.

I finally realized how much I have loved you, after everything we've been through.

I can't even look at you and say goodbye. I could not hold the tears. The pathetic me sobbed like insanity broke loose and my saving grace was the darkness in that jeep that enveloped me from the curiosity of the people around me. The exchange of messages intensified what I was feeling, I made it clear what was happening to me.

I felt you had the feeling of guilt as you tried to call and talk to me. I never answered the call because I was not ready at all to talk to you. I was still trembling at that moment.

When I had the guts to answer you, all I could hear were sobs.

You didn't want any of these things. You felt bad and worried about what I can do with myself.

Dear Journal,

It has been months since the last time I broke my heart. Juvenile love indeed.

Now, I somehow feel much better, I admit I think I'm falling in love again…

I met a guy online, he was sweet and I could tell that somehow I am starting to fall for him now, but I have this fear brewing inside of me. I feel he is too good to be true or am I just being biased with the negative stuff i felt from my last relationship.

He was nice and offered me comfort when I needed one. He was smart, jolly and all the positive traits I look for a partner. he definitely knows how to get into me with no effort as if it comes naturally from him.

I’m cornered…

I’d be falling further for sure…

Dear journal

We made love again. Call me a whore but I can’t resist his touch. He called me up and wants to meet up from what he told me would be the last time we might see each other again.

I refused at first, because the pain was too much when I see him. He insisted and threatened that we might not see each other again.

I heeded and went at his place.

We watched a movie and sooner he started touching my thighs. I could not fight the feeling anymore. I heeded to his every request.

I wanted him more than ever. The feeling of longing, passion and love seemed escalating with every touch.

I hugged him from behind like I used to do before, I expected he'd be turning towards me and hug me back...

...but he didn't...

I cried...

The man I love just could not love me anymore...

Dear Journal

The past few days have been quiet depressing for me and the frustrating part is that I can’t seem to figure out what makes me feel this way. I’ve opted to seclude myself from my friends for days in order to not direct the stress I feel to them.

I find it hard to sleep again and consequently get late for work.

I still feel the melancholy when I think of him.

The sadness seems unbearable that I lock myself in the comfort room and cry.

Dear Journal

I’m getting tired of the things that are happening at work now. It seems that I’m somehow caught up in the middle of pathetic professional jealousy. It’s kind of hard to trust anyone at work now, the least of my worries is that I will be even a part of such lowly fiasco, but come to think of it I may be unconsciously engaging myself. I must control my stupid mouth sometimes or else this might backfire, the least of what I want is to be tagged as the “tsismoso” of the office.

I am constantly reminding myself of maintaining at all times professionalism and not to stoop down to the level of mongering rumors or even talking about people behind their backs no matter how deserving they are of such disrespect.

This infernal feeling

Of loneliness and longing

This sadness I have to live with

Oblivion feels like could last an eternity

The distance...

The love forgotten...

Dear Journal,

We came across each other last night. I flashed an awkward smile when he said "hi" and my mind went blank with the strange feeling. I was out of my rational self. The next thing I know I was across the table with him and having dinner. He asked me how have I been for the past weeks and i answered short "ok's" and could not even look at him straight in the eye. Despite the apparent inattention I've tried to portray he persistently talked about what was going on with him.

I still love him, I wanted to say that but I know he won't love me the same way and he would always look far beyond me, as if I no longer his focal point.

Although, unplanned we made love for what I believe could be the last time I'll ever see him.

Out of the longing and love I have for him I've uttered "I missed you"...

But an expected response did not came close.. not even a whisper...

We woke up and I was hugging him from behind. I've felt the coldness of what was once his tender and warm embraces...

At that point I've realized the reality of it all...

He no longer loves me, that's certain..

and that may be the pain I have to endure for a long time

The Thai movie "A Little Thing Called Love" is probably one of a few films that made me go through various feelings of love, pain, hope, excitement and joy. Nam's character is somebody I could relate to the most with her struggle for P'Shone's affection and attention, which made her improve herself physically and like most of us do, get caught up with things. I love how the film captured for me what could be one of the most memorable period in someone's life, the first time you fall in love.

I am no critic on films and this post is not a commentary of some sort but on a personal note, the film is one of my favorites.

Here is a video of some of the memorable moments in the film and an English translation of my favorite soundtrack of the Film entitled "Someday"

Dear Journal,

I admit that I miss having sex.

It's been more than a month since the last time I had any intimate body contact with anybody. I'm having erotic dreams the past few nights which I believe indicates how much my body searches for that activity.

More than the sex though, I miss having to sleep at night, cuddling and kissing someone I care for.

-Cai

My Great Love…

Wish I could carry this note and hand it over to you on what may probably be my last chance to see you. I’ve been reflecting about everything that happened to us the past days. How, I wish this was similar to those petty fights we’ve had before. How I’ve consoled myself into thinking that in the end, you’d forgive me and we’d be alright again. But, I figured this was something different. I felt that this is maybe the end of our relationship. I can honestly tell you that the whole situation has not fully synced in to me. Yet the magnitude of the sadness has been this difficult to bear. Wish I could have just cry it all out in one sitting and numb myself of everything but my psyche and physiological make-up won’t allow me to. I’d have to go through the process of grief. I can’t imagine what it’ll be like, once this gets in my head.

I do not want to say sorry anymore for it’ll be like saying sorry to the way I have loved you.

I don’t want to be a hypocrite into saying that I am at peace with all of this.

The pain I feel is a manifestation of the magnitude of the love I feel for you that you left hanging.

I just think this is funny and cute...

HAPPY NEW YEAR EVERYONE!

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