Letting Go

Letting Go

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Jesse: You know, I think that book that I wrote, in a way, was like building something. So that I wouldn't forget the... details of the time that we spent together. You know, like just a reminder that... that once we really did meet! You know, that this was real! That this happened!

Celine: I'm happy you're saying that, because... I mean, I always feel like a freak, because I'm never able to move on like... this! You know. People just have an affair, or even entire relationships... they break up and they forget! They move on like they would have changed brand of cereals! I feel I was never able to forget anyone I've been with. Because each person have... their own, specific qualities. You can never replace anyone. What is lost is lost. Each relationship, when it ends, really damages me. I never fully recover. That's why I'm very careful with getting involved, because... It hurts too much! Even getting laid! I actually don't do that...  I will miss on the other person the most mundane things. Like I'm obsessed with little things. Maybe I'm crazy, but... when I was a little girl, my mom told me that I was always late to school. One day she followed me to see why. I was looking at chestnuts falling from the trees, rolling on the sidewalk, or... ants crossing the road, the way a leaf casts a shadow on a tree trunk... Little things. I think it's the same with people. I see in them little details, so specific to each of them, that move me, and that I miss, and... will always miss. You can never replace anyone, because everyone is made of such beautiful specific details. Like I remember the way, your beard has a bit of red in it. And how the sun was making it glow, that... that morning, right before you left. I remember that, and... I missed it!
-          Before Sunset

April 23, 2012.

In the past year since the last time we've talked I demonized your very existence. You said sorry but in the end there was no remorse.

I've convinced myself that I never really loved you, that I was just confused and lonely and your company somehow made me feel better. 

But I did love you, in that brief turbulent moment we had.

I can forget exactly what happened between us, but I would always remember the way you made me feel. I will remember the feeling during those moments when my heart jumps in excitement whenever you would call and tell me how much you miss me and that you love me. How you would sing for me and cheer me when I’m sad. How would you listen to me when I talk from one topic to another. How you say how wonderful I am in the weirdest way.

I also remember how you made me cry and jealous. How you would show the slightest interest and appreciation of my poems for you or the way I tried to sing for you. How you lied straight to my face when I knew all along that you were fooling around. How I had this grand idea that I could be able to save and keep you but in the end realize that I was not enough, I will never be enough. How you denied my very existence and that I will forever be a secret you had. 

 How you told everyone how desperate I was for your affection or maybe I was.

 How you scared me in ways I could not imagine you were capable of. 

You manage to hurt me so badly that I continued hurting myself even more. That I find it hard to trust people despite keeping a mental note that not every man I will meet will be like you. But how can I be too sure?

Maybe this is the reason why I’m so careful. I don’t want to have something so bad that makes me so happy then lose it eventually. I don’t want any more empty promises. I don’t want to feel for now.

Sadly, It will take more for me to change how I feel because of what you made me feel.

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ABOUT THE AUTHOR

A man who never doubted the sun's intentions.

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