Quarter Life Drama

I have been thinking too much the past days about things that somehow concern the heart and the choices I’ve been making lately. The universe is somehow saying something my thick cranium has been blocking the whole time. Is this an early onset of a midlife crisis?  I really can’t tell.

I’m still on the process of trying to sort things out about myself and I thought it would be nice if I share some of these raw realizations with you.

It may be a revelation to others who only knew me by name and reputation, to hear me admit that I was not happy for who I am now, for what I try to be and what the people around me wants me to become. I always thought having all the achievements I had aspired would make me whole, would make me happy, but I feel I was still missing a point.

Somehow I feel all of this would not make me really happy, it was all euphoria. I was missing something or someone and didn't even notice it.

I was missing myself.

I was tired and lost. Maybe the hubris is far too complicated and confusing than I thought of it in the first place.

I have asked myself “What am I looking for?” The answer was not a straight one. That would be too anti climactic or at least that’s how I see it.

I feel first and foremost, I need to learn self love, because cliché as it may sound “you cannot give what you don’t have”.

I have always been insecure with a lot of things.

I always thought I was an outcast in everything. I figured that I have to exert so much effort to show others my worth. I’ve always thought that I was always the underdog, may it be in academics, in relationships, in everything. I always believe that no matter what I do, there’s always someone better.

I’m a coward.

Sometimes I wonder why people manage to affect us in a way that we forget who we are and lose the essence of our existence or the drive to define it.

I have fallen in love but sadly things turn out differently. I always believed that love is a form of suicide where two people jump into a cliff of uncertainty. But the problem with jumping is that if you trust so much you’ll end up falling all by yourself. That happened to me and it hurts so much. The feeling of rejection can sometimes make me shun myself from loving again. There even came a point when I vowed never to fall again. I thought I might not be able to recover the fall.

“I know that people stop loving so they won’t be hurt again … But those people who do start all over again … Who leave themselves open to the possibility of being hurt again… These people are able to love again in a deeper way, a more understanding way… a richer way…”

“Young love is not the highest form of Human love. The greatest love comes from scarred, people like me who in spite of all continues and gives it a second third or fourth time…”

I find it hard to listen and rationalize everything that I do.

I was always like that in my mind, it was all about me, how I blew things, how I’ve been hurt, how I’ve been rejected and how I’ve succumbed into creating an image of total coolness, indifference and calmness to show the world that I was impenetrable.

But I realize that sometimes, something must be destroyed in order to build something. I just hope I don’t have to self destruct in order for me to sort myself out.

Sometimes I feel wanderlust but you know I have too many responsibilities that I can’t afford leaving.

Maybe some sleep is all I need or some chattert.

Everything is going to be alright I guess, in my own time.

I hope you still wish me well.


With love,

J